After reading of the Barbara Mandrell-signed air pistol, at the website of the Civilian Marksmanship Program, my good friend Dirk & I realized that there was a business in selling weapons which had been signed by famous women. After discussing with many celebrities, we are now pleased to offer the...
Famous Femme Fatale Firearm Collectible Series
Yes, each of these fine weapons is a 100% functional firearm, engraved with the actual signature of the respective women. All prices are without shipping. We have three major categories of collectibles:
- Respectable Women
- Famous Femmes
- Women of the Carnal Arts
Respectable Women
- Bar Bush BAR: A beautifully crafted M1918A2 Browning Automatic Rifle, complete with sling and 3 twenty-round magazines, this rosewood-adorned selective-fire battle rifle has the former First Lady's signature engraved onto the left side of the receiver. Magazines are also specially marked. 125 weapons were produced, and each comes with a certificate of authenticity. $4,399. Note that this is legally a machinegun, and may not be legal to own in your state. Consult the ATF for details.
- Arianna Hoffington HAR-15A2, by Hesse Arms: This silenced variant of the M-16 is ideal for short ranged sniper work. Favored by special forces and counter-terrorists for knocking out sentries, the .50 AE cartridge packs a lethal punch. Arianna's signature is engraved on the right side of the receiver, below the cartridge ejection port. 300 weapons in production run. $3,899. Again, consult with the ATF for legality.
- Tipper Gore Colt .44: This modified Colt Anaconda features Pachmyr rubber grips, and a gold inlaid signature. Tipper Gore, while nominally a liberal, was critical in the fight to get satanic music appropriately labeled. $1,325.
- Nancy Reagan Recoilless Rifle: Firing 105mm HEAT ammo, this hand-crafted vehicle-towed anti-tank weapon is perfectly suited for keeping the enemies of democracy at bay--while still being suitable for the slender, small-framed traditional wife. Shipped with 5 rounds of ammo--each casing also stamped with Mrs. Reagan's signature and likeness. 45 weapons in production run. $36,599. Not legal in CA or MN.
- Tammy Faye Bakker Tommy Gun: This .45 ACP manstopper is ideal for taking care of not only infidels, but also the roving husband. Fitted with the classic front grip, and one hundred round drum, this is the ideal token of Christian love for one's spouse. 75 weapons in production run. $6,249.
- Hillary Clinton Ma Deuce: Nothing represents Senator Clinton more capably than the classic Browning M2HB, firing .50 ammunition. With a sustained rate of fire of 450 rounds per minute, and capable of piercing over 0.75" of armored steel, the HC Ma Deuce makes short work of conservative conspiracies, while remaining capable of providing effective anti-air fire. A short inspirational poem by Ms. Clinton is inlaid with platinum on the right side of the receiver. 65 produced. $11,149.
- Janet Reno Battleax: Though not a firearm, we recently commissioned these fine double-bladed carbide steel axes. With a history of gov't massacres on one side, and Janet Reno's signature on the other, these weapons are well-suited to cutting through the doors of religious fringe groups, or for beheading the spouses of tax-evading militants. Also included are two inciendiary grenades, in event that the 'bad guys' are in a flammable building. 175 produced. $875.
- Maggie Thatcher MGL-40: This 6-shot 40mm grenade launcher is perfect for putting the Tori smackdown on those pesky communists of the Labor Party. Featuring a custom parkerized finish, the barrel and grip both feature Margaret Thatcher's signature and likeness, while the revolving cylinder is engraved with a red "I heart Ronnie". $6,559. Seventy-five produced. The ATF classifies this as a Destructive Device, and is not legal in all states.
- Anne Coulter Trebuchet: Perfect for "killing their leaders and converting them to Christianity", this commemorative Trebuchet has been approved by Ms. Coulter. Capable of using Jews, Blacks, or Hispanics as ammunition (but with a special safety device to prevent the injury of God-fearing white folk), the Trebuchet is crafted from Ash, and stained a lovely blood-red. Twelve produced. Adapters are also available for those wishing to use Somalis, Unitarians or members of the ACLU as ammunition. The weapon itself is $19,250, and can only be shipped by rail. No ammunition included. Adapters are $750 each.
Famous Femmes
- Madonna MAC-10: Nothing says no-nonsense like the .45 ACP suppressed Madonna MAC-10. Firing 1200 rounds per minute, yet incredibly controllable, the MAC-10 is still small enough to fit in a briefcase or carry-on. Perfect for commemorating Madonna's two-decade career, this weapon is also shipped with a copy of her infamous book, Sex. 175 produced. $3,425.
- Mira Sorvino Sig Sauer P226: As used in the The Replacement Killers, this 9mm pistol includes 2 pre-ban 15-round 9mm magazines. An excellent weapon, the P226 is preferred by police and military special forces world-wide. Ms. Sorvino's signature is on the left side of the receiver. Pachmyr grips included.
- Grace Jones 24-ounce Ballpeen Hammer: For the woman so damn mean she doesn't _need_ a ranged weapon, this hardened steel hammer is just the ticket. On the left side of the head is Grace's signature and astrological sign, while on the right side is the logo "Who you callin' Sir?"
- Britney Spears/General Electric M134 Minigun: Nothing says "I can put out faster than you can" like a minigun. Or, for that matter, Ms. Spears. Chrome-plating adorns all metal components, and the tripod has been painted hot pink, with metallic glitter embedded in the paint. Due to procurement difficulties, only 36 of these were manufactured, and originally sold for $76,750. The pistol grip is signed by Ms. Spears, and the gun cover is sewn together from her used, unwashed panties.
- Christina Aguilera PSG-1: Angular, sleek, and made for one task only: high accuracy, long range work. Tuck this rifle into your shoulder, caress the trigger and you'll be rewarded with a rapid series of deafening reports. Whatever you ask of it, this rifle will do--better than you can. Ms. Aguilera's lip-prints are inlaid with platinum on the adjustable shoulder-stock, and it ships with a CD cover of "happiness is a warm gun", remixed by Rick Ruben. Ships with two ten-round magazines, and a hardened carry case. Production run was fifteen units. $14,550.
Women of the Carnal Arts
- Asia Carrera Armalite M-16A1: Nothing says sexy like the sleek polycarbonate stock and forepiece of this lightweight assault rifle. Ideal for smaller-framed individuals, this weapon is shipped ready to Rock-n-Roll. Embossed with Ms. Carrera's favorite movies on the forepiece, the stock sports Ms. Carrera's nude silhoutte on each side. Her signature and bra size are engraved on the left side of the receiver. Though based on the M-16A1, this is fitted with the new 1-in-7 barrel, optimized for the 63-grain SS109 ammo. 475 produced. $2,699.