I'll admit it. I'm a commoner, I'm a generic average joe. Why would I own up to these things? Because I must. You see, I caved in during the summer of '98. While staring at the wall of my local video store, my less noble urges grabbed control of my higher consciousness, and I spiralled down into my own baseness. I looked at the videos, at the various feature films arranged before me in such neurotically neat little rows, and I grabbed the non-movie.

What, you ask, could this non-movie be? I bow my head in shame, I slump my shoulders in recognition of the type of media I legitimized by renting. For I plucked from the shelf none other than Jerry Springer's Too Hot For TV!

I frothed at the mouth as I walked the mere quarter mile from the video store back to my house. My illicit prize, rented for all of twenty-four hours for a mere three dollars (barely enough for a McDonald's Happy Meal, I rationalized), was burning a hole in the plastic bag which Video Update had so kindly given me.

Never before had I been filled with such anticipation for a mere video. All that is dark and forbidden about our culture would soon be revealed to me, on my glorious 25" Magnavox television. The thundering tones of unbridled violence and smut would deafen my through my Fisher stereo, so carefully attached to my VCR.

My wife looked at me with crossed eyes. Our guest, a seminary student, rolled her eyes briefly, then admitted that she had been curious as to the video's contents herself. With hands-a-trembling, we solemnly marched into the basement. No one of us could have rented, nor watched, this movie alone. Only in our solidarity had we mustered the courage, the audacity, to view this forbidden gem, this unholiest of unholies.

We sat down with our alcoholic beverages, and drank heartily, waiting for the previews to end. Indeed, the first five minutes (and the last fifteen minutes) of the tape are nothing but ads for more Springer videos. We should have taken this as an omen of what was to come, but we forged on, blind to the signs which littered our path.

Finally, our baited breath and sweaty palms were rewarded with.......

essentially nothina.

For in truth, Jerry Springer's Too Hot For TV is nothing of the sort. Sixteen breasts and a bucket full of profanity would not even alarm HBO, much less Showtime or Cinemax. Sure, they might require him to run after ten PM, but maybe they wouldn't.

This video was an utter dissappointment to me. I don't even know what I was looking for, but I didn't find. I guess I was looking for a deep look at the dark underbelly of America. We got a brief glance at the lower half of the shoulder, in dim light.

The Jerry Springer of television, with it's naughty glances of unaccepted lifestyles, and brief fits of violence, offers nothing new in this video. Indeed, the charm of Springer (if there is any at all) is lost in this video. The fights are fights without context. The breasts are poorly done augmentations. Really, one would think that Springer would be able to conjure up some better breasts for this sort of thing--something along the lines of a Jenny McCarthy, or a Kate Winslet, or one of a thousand unnamed starlets.

Instead, we are shown the real face of America's strippers. Without airbrushing, there is nothing desirable in them. Removed from the poor lighting of the average strip joint, there is no mystery to find attractive. The bright lights of Springer's studios reveal them to be little more than Working Girls, parlaying their flesh in trade for food, drink, and spending money.

The fights are no different than those seen on the average nightly show, but without the supporting arguments, there is no sense to this fighting (as if there ever was). It is merely the spectacle of (primarily) white-trash bludgeoning each other about the head and shoulders in a desperate attempt to relieve their frustrations, frustrations with a world that has outgrown them. The only change is that profanity is no longer bleeped out, making some accusations more understandable.

Do not rent this video. Do not buy this video. Rest assured that the TV show is a far better medium for this. Without the promise of more, there is nothing to the Springer show.